Content...for this minute

Adoption certainly is an emotional roller coaster. The highs are pretty high and the lows are pretty low. The last time I posted, I was pretty down. After only a few days, I'm very content. Of course this feeling probably won't last long, but I am happy that I'm content at least for the time being. We had our home study update visit yesterday. Our social worker is so amazing! We are blessed to have found her. We are also so thankful we only have to pay mileage for a 110 mile round trip instead of roughly 500 miles round trip. Yikes! Being an hour away from our social worker sure was easier when we had to make visits to her office and now that she has to come here. She will have to come 3 times once we are home. She is an amazing lady and I just can't say it enough that we are so lucky to have her. I can't imagine sharing this important part of this journey with anyone else. God promised to provide for us if we took the leap of faith and said "Yes" to adoption. This was one way that He provided for us.

While our movement seems to be slow, there are things happening for which I am thankful. Last night I read that one agency hadn't had any referrals for 7 months. Another agency hadn't had any referrals since June. So....even if it slow, there still is movement. There is reason to be thankful. Yes this journey has been longer than we ever imaged it to be. I know that it will continue to be a struggle for us.  So close, yet so far away. We didn't think we would be have to update all of this stuff as we thought we would have a referral by now. Imagine that when we first got on the wait list, we were told 6-9 months possibly up to 12 months. We are into month 15 of just being on the wait list....not counting all the months we did paperwork before that. I believe we made our decision to adopt the end of January 2010. So, who would have thought we would still be waiting?  God has really taught me alot on this journey. Patience and trust!!!! Two very hard things to learn. I can trust, and up until lately, have been fairly patient. I know that I need to let the patience/trust lesson flow into my daily life. It is coming, slow but sure. I am also becoming a stronger person through all of this. We know it will all be in God's time, but sometimes that is so hard. Seriously, I'm ready for it to be OUR time! Ha!! It is hard to live in the present when we know that our family isn't complete. We try to enjoy life at the independent level it currently is at. It is just hard not to think about the future and how things will be. When you are pregnant, I'm sure you are constantly thinking about the future and how life will change, etc...That is how things are for us except we have no due date. It really is challenging to live in the present, enjoy life as independent as it is currently, and try not to think of what life will be like. For now, I'm content with where we are. 

Overwhelming frustration

We FINALLY got our October numbers. We are 10 for a girl and 4 for a boy. Yep, only moved one spot for a girl and no spots for a boy. It is very frustrating! We are so close, yet so far away! I can't even be excited any more b/c it is becoming obvious that are wait at the top is going to be long!!!

I have been amazed at my strength on this journey.I'm a planner. I like to be in control. There is no part of the adoption world that can be controlled or planned and for the most part, I've been okay with that. I have amazed myself with my strength and my ability to trust in God. I've certainly struggled a lot more lately. I think that is the case the closer you get. I'm doubting more and more. I think the bottom line is that I'm tired. Tired of waiting. Tired of thinking of our future. Tired of trying to live in the moment, while thinking our family is not complete and part of us is across the world. Tired of wondering when things will happen. Tired of jumping through more hoops and doing more paperwork. Tired. Just plain tired! Physically and emotionally.

We are in the process of updating our home study. It doesn't expire until 2013, but in order to get our FDL extension, our home study must be updated in the past 6 months. Grrr...We never thought we would be updating all of this stuff b/c we were supposed to be done with this already. HA! Funny!!! We went in to the clinic yesterday. They were great! It is a blessing living in a small town when it comes to things like this. Our social worker is coming on Friday for a home study update visit. Jason and I will leave school for about an hour. It is also parent/teacher conferences. No stress at all or something like that.

There are other things going on with some of the families from our agency that makes me think I shouldn't even feel sad that we are at the point that we are at, but man it is hard! Adoption is NOT easy. Someone mentioned to me that it must be easier than being pregnant since I was so sick when I was pregnant. No way is it comparable. This is tough stuff!!!! We know God called us to this journey. We know He will provide and not leave us while on this journey. In the mean time, we pray for peace and for patience.

We know it will all be in God's perfect time and that He is getting all of the pieces to fit perfectly together. A friend from our agency, got their court date. It is scheduled for the day that their son went to Heaven. Proof that God is with us every step of the way.

Another friend posted this on the list serve and it was a good reminder to me:

It's so hard to hear of the struggles we all go through with adoption. For some
reason, God called each of us to adopt, He called us to start the process when
we did, he allowed these things to happen, these struggles during this time, and
it just does not make sense. Praying God's peace - as you continue to wait.
Peace that passes understanding.

Thanks for your continued support and prayers. This has not been easy and I foresee the hardest days yet to come. Thanks for walking down this path with us. It is greatly appreciated.

Inspiring devotion

This was posted on the list serve by a friend of mine. Inspirational. Tired of Waiting on God Tracie Miles

“Isaac was sixty years old when Rebekah gave birth to them.” Genesis 25:26b (NIV)

Do you ever get tired of waiting on God to answer your prayers? Recently, I began to feel a sense of frustration with the wait, and also a little bit tired.
Tired of saying the same old prayer day after day, month after month, year after year. Tired of telling God about the same old problems still going on. Tired of hearing myself pray about the same old problems, leading me to wonder if God was as tired of hearing my prayer requests as I was of praying them.
So I bowed my head and admitted to God that I was simply tired of the wait.
In a heavy state of emotional tiredness, I turned to the crisp, white pages of my Bible. I was hoping God would illuminate a few verses that would jump out of the book and straight into my heart.
I began reading about when Isaac’s wife Rebekah gave birth to twin sons. One particular sentence caught my eye and I read it again and again. My heart leapt as I realized God was using this one little sentence to speak hope into my spirit. He used His spiritual highlighter just as I had wanted.
Genesis 25:26 tells us that Isaac was sixty years old when his twins were born; a simple Bible fact, yet profoundly meaningful to me on this specific day. You see, Isaac had been patient for the Lord to provide the perfect wife; he was forty years old when he married Rebekah. If you do the math you realize Isaac waited twenty years for Rebekah to bear him children! He could have chosen a concubine to bear him a son. But he was a man of great patience who waited on God. Eventually his patient faith was rewarded.
Isaac never gave up hope that his Lord could make the impossible, possible. He had learned that his Lord would provide. So he continued to pray the same desperate prayer for a son, day after day, month after month, year after year. In fact, we learn in Genesis 25:21 that “Isaac pleaded with the Lord” (NLT), meaning he earnestly and strongly prayed about his problem. He did not half-heartedly ask God for a son, he pleaded! He begged. He poured his heart out.
I can envision Isaac passionately pleading to God throughout those twenty years, with out-stretched arms and a tear-stained face pressed against the hot, dirty soil, begging God to answer his prayer.
Isaac was surely tired of the wait, but he never stopped praying or believing that his dreams could come true. And in God’s perfect timing, they did.
If you are tired of the wait, you may be pleading to God just like Isaac. It may take twenty years for God to answer our prayers, or it may only take twenty minutes. But today, let us find comfort in remembering Isaac’s patient faith and take hope in believing that God is not tired of hearing our prayers. Instead, He is simply waiting for the perfect time to answer.

Dear Lord, please help me have patience and faith while I wait to hear from You. Help me live in excited anticipation for the day when I will see how You answer my prayers. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Updating home study

We got the paper work that we need to complete in order to update our home study. We just plug away at what we need to do even though this is very frustrating!!!! We didn't expect to be on the wait list long enough to have to redo all of this stuff. We have our home study visit scheduled for October 28 at 11:45am. This will only be about an hour long and the kids don't need to be home for it. Jason and I will leave school for that hour. We just have to let our social worker get all of our paper work updated. It will be fun to show her all the changes to the house. :) It will be a long day as we have P/T conferences that day too. As soon as I'm done posting, I'm going to fill out papers. The sooner they get done, the sooner we don't have to think about it.

Waiting and updating

We are starting month 15 of being on the wait list. That doesn't count the months we were filling out paperwork. Some days are easier and some days are harder. We know it is all in God's time. We know that He has it all perfectly planned out. We have been told over and over that once you see that little face, the waiting disappears. (I suppose like when you forget your labor..ha) When we first got on the wait list, we were at numbers 53 for a boy and 86 for a girl. We were told to expect to be waiting 6-9 months with the possibility of it being up to 12 months. They estimate the wait time according to the average of how long the people getting referrals have been on the wait list. So in reality, they don't really know. We have seen lots of changes in the Ethiopian program since we got on the wait list. In the long run, it is probably for the best, but right now we just see it as slowing things down. It is VERY frustrating!!! Imagine being pregnant with no due date.

It is hard to prepare for a new baby when you don't really know how old they will be. We put in for less than 12 months at time of referral. We could be matched up with a 2 month old and then have it be 4 months until we come home. We could be matched up with an 11 month old and then have 4 months until we come home. We could be matched up with a 2 month old and it be 8 months before we come home. I've been fairly patient in the wait. Now that it is looking like we will end up with a boy, the patience isn't coming as easy. I want to buy stuff, but still can't really. We need to know age/size/season in order to shop. It is hard to explain the thoughts that go through my head from time to time. First of all, as a mother, there honestly is not a day that goes by that I don't think about this new child of ours in some way or another. Some times it is on the back burner of my mind, but always, always there. It is better when I'm busy, but it still is never too far from my mind. It is hard to not think about the future. Different things will happen and I can't help but think, "Next year at this time when we do this, we will have a baby." It is a hard concept to grasp. We have been waiting for so long that it still seems so very unreal. It still seems like it may never happen.

Since we have been on this journey for so much longer than we ever thought we would be, we have paperwork to update. Yippee!! Adoption is paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. Our home study doesn't expire until 2013. I was THRILLED about this b/c I was really thinking we would get to avoid this. We have had to redo our USCIS fingerprints. When that happens, we get a new FDL (Favorable Determined Letter) giving us "permission" to adopt an orphan. Our FDL expires in February. In order to ask for an extension of our FDL, our home study has to be updated in the last 6 months. Boo!! So much for being excited to not have to update that. I have been in contact with our wonderful home study case worker "A" from Catholic Family Services. She will need to come back to our house for a visit that will be about an hour long. We have to redo some SD and FBI fingerprints. We also have to update our physicals. Fun times! So we are just getting the ball rolling on this.

I'm still holding out for a referral by Christmas. I have decided no Christmas cards are going to be sent from our house this year. You might get a New Year's or Valentine's, etc....We WILL include a picture of our newest addition. We TRY to rest in the fact that this is in God's perfect time, but sometimes it is so hard.

Someone posted this picture on FB. It is so super cool so I'm sharing it here.