Faith vs Fear

Our sermon today talked about Faith vs Fear. It was about how the angel came to Mary and told her that she was pregnant with the Son of God! Did she react by Faith or by Fear? I could relate this so much to our adoption journey. We knew this was not going to be an easy journey in many ways, but we took the leap of faith and said "Yes!" to God's plan for us. I can look back on the last 22 months since we decided to adopt and see that for the most part, it has been a journey of Faith. As we get closer and closer to the top of the lists, the Fear has taken over. I don't know if it is necessarily Fear, but being human. For example, FINALLY there was a referral. Finally!!! Yippee!!! It is past due as the last infant boy referral was September 26. It is fun to actually have talked with the family that got their referral. Sooooo excited for them. :) We weren't sure where this put us as there was one mystery family on the list. Well, we found out they got their referral too!!! TWO referrals in a couple of days. Sweet!! (especially after the long, dry spell) We know that we are now #3 for sure. That means only 2 families in front of us. I should be ecstatic! I should be over the moon! I'm not at all. My heart can't do that. Way back this summer, we were so excited to be so close. Since then, there have been some lost referrals. (Those families go in front of us on the list to get a 2nd referral) Also, there has been very little movement. I think my heart is guarded right now. I believe it would be guarded by Fear. Looking at the spiritual side of things, I should be so super happy. Even with all that has happened, we are still closer now than we have ever been. I know this will happen in God's time. I know that I have many lessons to learn as we wait. Then the human side of me kicks in. I'm tired of waiting!!! What an emotional roller coaster ride. Our agency preaches "Ebb and flow" of referrals. Well, the human part of me thinks that maybe these 2 referrals was the flow and now we will sit at a standstill again. UGH! So hard to know how to feel. I do connect the "Fear" part mentioned in the sermon today with being human. Part of me feels guilty b/c I can't help but to doubt. I know better, but my heart still is feeling the way it does. I need to remind myself yet again that even one of the disciples doubted that it was really Jesus standing in front of him. He needed to see the marks on his hands/feet. If one of Jesus' disciples doubted, then I guess I shouldn't be so hard on myself for doing it. I don't know how to feel. I'm excited, but very cautious. One day, I walk by Faith...trusting and feeling confident that it IS God's plan. The next day (or even minute) I walk by Fear...doubting, exhausted from the wait, and wondering if this will ever happen!!! So that is where things are currently. Praying, praying, praying that we get a Christmas miracle and have a referral by Christmas.

Now a silly, heart-warming story. I made a stocking for this new child of ours. On the top of the stocking, I made the Ethiopian flag. The flag didn't look as good as it could of b/c the top color is green and the top of the stocking was green. I was in Walmart the other day and saw that they had stockings that had white on top. I thought maybe I should get one and re-do the whole thing as the flag would look better on white then on the green that it blended in with. I did not get the other stocking, but thought about it. Well, I got home and got the other stockings out. Hmmm...every single one of them have a green top. :) I guess it is meant to be. I had never noticed the top of ANY of our stockings before. Silly stories like this are small reminders to me that God has this all planned out and that EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON!!!!